


Veins of Gold

by Albion19



Category: Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Dark Magic, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-03
Updated: 2013-02-03
Packaged: 2017-11-28 01:46:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/668860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Albion19/pseuds/Albion19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Many years later Bonnie writes about her time using dark magic, how it corrupted her and coming across Stefan while in ripper mode. Bonnie/Stefan. Bonnie POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Veins of Gold

**Author's Note:**

> note: Written for this prompt: ripper!Stefan/dark!Bonnie, looking for heaven found a devil in me. Thanks to Cana for the beta!
> 
> This was written before s4 and the Expression magic plot.

To whom it may concern,

It was euphoric and the pursuit to attain more was never ending.

* * *

People do not understand, they will look back at the things I have done and only see a woman overstepping the boundaries of what is right and acceptable. We are the servants of nature; we do not wield magic for our own benefit, not without a price. But oh you can…you just need to give a piece of your soul back in return.

There's a reason witches are feared, an undercurrent that prevails in a society that does not even believe we exist. They have a right to be scared for we hold the balance of their very existence in our hands. But I did not want to shape reality or inflict my will on others, not at the start. I just wanted to restore balance where I saw imbalance, to help people in a way that only I was prepared to. That is what I would like you to understand.

* * *

Before I begin forgive me if I ramble. I am an old woman — though I do not look it — who has a lot to say.

* * *

It started innocently enough. I tapped into 'dark' magic to save someone's life. I had been nervous about using it but determined. I was utterly unprepared for the power that coursed through me. Every time I had performed a spell it had sapped my strength, sometimes to the point of death but this had been completely different.

They call it dark but it is not. Your teachers want you to fear it and for good reason but I want you to see the truth. It is like the living gold veins of nature flowing through you. You throb with life, you threaten to burst with it and the feeling is  _beyond_   _orgasmic_. I imagine a young student of magic has found this and is now blushing. Ha!

Doing such a weighty spell would have drained me but I felt invigorated and my senses honed to a sharp point. It was magic of the purest kind and I felt a pantheistic connection to nature around me. I was the total pinnacle of what being a witch is, in terms of power.

It was heaven and I wanted more.

So I did just that. I visited innocent, wretched people whose life was being cut short and I saved them. Using magic demands a price, a balance and I was more then willing to give it. I just needed to find the right candidate to complete in the transference ritual, the right kind of monster.

I was spoilt for choice.

It took me years to work up the courage, to plan and find my targets. Unrepentant vampires, who kill indiscriminately and with no regard for life, leave a very easy trail to follow. I would pick my innocent, going from state to state, hospital and hospice and trap my monster. I would stop their heart, transfer their life to the sick and dying and ride a wave of pure ecstasy until the ritual was done. I did this for years and no one had a clue.

I didn't feel it then, I wasn't aware, but for every life I took, no matter how corrupt and wicked, the gold magic took a little piece of me with it. I was too captivated to realise.

What changed and what lead me here to this place and writing this confession was one thing, one person.

Stefan Salvatore.

* * *

He went through cycles of temperance and vicious excess and I think he would have continued to. He hated it, of course but also loved it. It's freeing, not having to hold yourself back or feel accountable for the things that you do. But that only lasts for a time, obliterated by shame and guilt when the cycle turns back again to sobriety.

I had not seen Stefan for many years but I heard of his exploits, both good and bad. As a teenager I had seen the horror he could inflict but never did enough, even though I had threatened to take him down. But I didn't. He held that against me, he told me, he wished I had come for him sooner. But I was just a child, stepping into a territory of monsters and wolves that I was not ready for. Truth of the matter is I couldn't have killed him even if he put a stake in my hand and placed it over his heart.

I felt a strange kinship to him, one that I did not understand at the time but I do now. He saved my life and that act creates a bond between a witch and their saviour, only dissolving once the debt is paid. I have been saved by all manner of creatures but vampires have the most profound link. I think this is because magic created them — gold magic or dark if you will — and that kinship will not fade. A fact most of my bothers and sisters would like to ignore.

 

* * *

It was through my travels to find monsters to kill that I found him. I did not know who I hunted until he was under my hands. I just read the reports, both underground and above of another ripper and so I packed my things and went north, into the snowy wastes, my noble intentions increasingly overwhelmed by the next touch of heaven…(excuse the language, it's hooky I know but I'm no writer — that would be Elena — so bare with these worn phrases. If I could make you feel what I felt…better not.)

There was a thrill that I tried to suppress, the thrill of the hunt. Sometimes they got wind that I was coming — my mysterious reputation started to proceed me — and ran. Others stood and fought. I enjoyed it when they did that, the righteous retribution I felt placating the emerging guilt but I was very stubborn, very focused and would not let the softer emotions sway me. That would change when I got into the town the ripper was in, a snowy little place.

I remember it clearly, even now. I arrived during the morning, heading for the nearest motel to sleep away the day until nightfall. Unlike some lucky vampires most do not have the luxury of talismans to shield them from the sun and so hunt under the stars. So I slept during the day and did my business at night. Ironic, isn't it? I was too blinded to see it then, prideful girl I was.

So that night I asked around, going to the police and local haunts and was told roughly the same thing. Three girls had gone missing and were then found under a snow bank, their limbs torn off and then reattached. I did not think of Stefan then, in fact I feared I had come there for nothing. The deaths sounded like the work of a mortal nut job, not a vampire. How little I knew. The only thing that made me stay was that they had been drained of blood and the punctuation marks on their skin.

So I waited, ghosting the high school in the area, the clubs and bars that teenagers hung out at. As I expected the towns night life was not exactly thriving so I ventured to the one hospital and sought out the person who I would save. This was the hardest part, picking who to save and who to let die. I eventfully found it so painful that I just blindly picked from a chart, took a sample of their blood and left. I never had to see the faces I couldn't save. It was then that the seed of my ultimate crime began to take root, can you see it? Of course you can, you know what I have done.

So I had my innocent, I just needed to find the ripper. But I had grown too sure of myself, proclaiming my presence when I should have been inconspicuous. He knew I was there and sought me out. He  _wanted_  to be found. He was sloppy on purpose so I would be sure to find him. He did not know who was hunting him just that an infamous witch was on his tail.

I was coming back from a bar — the music and fashion was at least a decade behind — when something crunched into the snow behind me. It wasn't footsteps, it was the impact of a body. I turned and only had enough to time to gasp before he was on me. I felt his mouth against my throat, his blunt teeth sharpening before I focused on his mind and  _squeezed_. He roared in pain and rolled off me.

Sometimes this would happen, I would be attacked and have to kill the vampire before I could do the ritual. It was something I wanted to avoid so I tried to incapacitate and imprison them. But he was vicious, coming at me even with his mind aflame with agony. Somehow I got him under me, straddling him and gripped his head in my hands. I had only seen a glimpse of his face — black eyes and fangs — but it was then I truly saw who it was.

"Stefan?"

He froze mid snarl, growling at me and blinked. Then his mouth stretched into a terrible grin. "Bonnie…I should have guessed. Well you're useless to me now." He transformed back into a human and sighed in disappointment. I was too shocked to do much of anything but gape at him. I hadn't seen Stefan in years — none of us had — and I was beset with a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. He was boneless under me, completely at ease. He didn't fear me and that was the cold water I needed. I gripped at his hair, pulling it and bared my teeth at him, inches from his face.

"It's you? You're killing again?"

"Obviously," he said lazily and shifted below me, jeans crapping against mine. The bored look in his eyes shifted, glinting with a wicked amusement. He bucked under me and sent me flying forward. In an instant he was on his feet, looking down at me. I got up, ignoring the cold creeping into my skin.

"Why did you attack me?"

"I thought you would put up a fight but I guessed wrong. I didn't know it was you."

I felt a flash of anger. "What makes you think I won't fight you? You think just because we were friends I won't stop you?"

"No, I think you would now. But you can't kill me, even if you wanted to. Try it and prove me wrong."

I tried, I swear but he was right, I couldn't. I thought at the time some sort of sentimentality was stopping me but it was more then that. I couldn't stop him but that didn't mean I couldn't trap him. I cast a spell around him, a lasso that kept him bound to me. Vampires fought tooth and nail but he just sighed again in annoyance. I had dealt with this side of Stefan before and remembered it with distaste. He was insolent.

"I've got you now and you won't hurt anyone else." The invisible restraints around him tightened and I tugged him along with me, heading to the abandoned barn I had set up the night before. I disposed him into a chair where he was powerless to move from. He smiled at me proudly. It was infuriating.

* * *

"Bravo Bonnie, if I could clap I would. Must be frustrating getting no appreciation for the vampires you've taken down. Well you've got mine."

"Shut up," I said, hurrying over to the ingredients that I would have used in the ritual. A dull but persistent throb of disappointment began to beat inside me. I wouldn't be able to feel it, the ecstasy and it was a bitter loss.

He pouted. "That's no way to speak to an old friend, I was being sincere." He looked around at the magical paraphernalia and nodded with interest. "So I take it that this whole set up is about more then just yanking some vampires?"

"It's not really any of your concern," I kept my voice level but I was boiling inside. Why did it have to be him?

"Oh come on, cure my curiosity. Tell me what are you up to?" He smiled at me, again not the least bit scared that I had him at my mercy. I glared at him, coming closer.

"What I do is none of your business or anyone else's. You don't tell me what to do. I do what I want now."

He gazed at me intently and then understanding dawned on his face. "You've gone rogue…"

I sniffed disdainfully and pulled the sleeve of his shirt up. I may not be able to use him for the ritual but that didn't mean he wasn't useful. I took a catheter, slid a needle into his arm and hooked it up to a blood bag. He watched me calmly, offering no protests. But those eyes never left me, like he was trying to see inside me. I found it hard to look at him, to see the face of someone I began to trust. He tried so hard but it seemed this was his fate.

"Once you've drained me, then what?"

"I'll kill you."

He rolled his head back. "You won't, you can't. You would have done it already. Stop this whole ice queen act. Tell me what you're doing?"

"Why are you so interested?"

"Because I sought you out with an aim in mind, you didn't meet it. So placate that disappointment, please. You've been hunting vampires down for years and it's only within the last few months I've become aware of you. The number of deaths has increased, more and more. You're drawing attention to yourself."

"I'm doing nothing wrong," the words came out of my mouth unintentionally and I burned. Why was I rationalising myself to him?

He cocked his head and shrugged. "I didn't say you were. But you wouldn't just kill indiscriminately, that lacks balance. You think you're doing good, what is it?"

"Guess," it sounded like he was half way there, why help?

"You're picking rippers, unconnected to each other. Picking the baddest bastards you can find…so you don't feel guilty. So it's not about revenge or righteous anger. You have good intentions…I know you Bonnie, you're saving people, that's what you do."

"You make me sound so selfless," my intentions had been pure at first but I would not claim to something I was not, not even to him.

"There's something in it for you? The number of deaths has risen every year. You need more…more what?" He tried to concentrate but the blood loss was finally catching up to him.

I smiled at him as his head lowered weakly. "Let's just say there are no words to describe what I get out of this." Remembering the feel of it flowing through my body made me shiver and his eyes gleamed before he lost consciousness.

* * *

I was undecided what to do about him. I collected his blood — which had healing properties — and left him bound to the chair. When he woke he would be weak but ravenous. I knew how he felt. I didn't want to think of the history that we shared, to feel sympathy for him but I couldn't. He was a serial killer, not just taking blood for his own survival but murdering for the thrill.

The problem with Stefan was that he had never gained control over his bloodlust and was always consumed with need when he did start drinking blood. He could detox, like he had done in the past but it would not solve the underlining issue. He needed to be forced into controlling his hunger, to master it.

When he woke I had an idea, one I should have ignored. I should have killed him, turned him over the servants of nature or an Original (Elijah would have done something but I didn't want to involve Elena.) I guess I wanted to see if I could do it and I wanted to help. Looking back experiment was the most apt term for what we did, I don't think any witch or vampire had done it before.

"Did you want me to find you?" I asked him when he looked at me. His lazy amusement was gone, he looked irritable and hungry.

"Not you per se. I wanted the witch who was hunting vampires."

"Why?" I had an idea but I wanted him to say it.

"Tell me what you get out of this first."

"I hunt down rippers, take them down. In return they…give back, do something good for someone. A transference"

He looked at me and nodded, sussing out my vague meaning. "You're using dark magic, I suspected but I couldn't be sure. Well Bonnie I'm impressed."

"There is no such thing as 'dark' magic. You do good or bad with it, the power itself is neutral." I hated the term, still do to an extent. I wasn't using it to torture or harm innocents. But at the time I couldn't see what it was doing to me, couldn't see how it was turning inwards and twisting.

He shrugged. "It's all semantics. So you take their life force and switch it? One life for a death, a balance…you've been doing this for years and while you're probably the most selfless person I've ever met I can't believe you'd go to all this bother out of a sense of altruism. I've heard that using dark magic can be…exhilarating."

"Something like that…" I avoided his gaze. I found his focus on me unsettling, like he was forcing all his energy into that instead of himself and the torment he was experiencing.

"So you go from state to state, hunting people like me and in the end you're rewarded with a hit…" he smiled sweetly, "not so different from me."

"I'm nothing like you, you're a monster and you need to be…dealt with."

"Then deal with me, if you can." He looked unconvinced.

"You don't think I can?"

"We've been over this. It's not about what you're willing to do it's about our bond. I saved your life and the debt has not been repaid."

He was right. I mentioned that witches and vampires have a peculiar connection, one that neither party fully understands. All I know is that once a bond had been forged it can not be broken until the debt is paid. I needed to save his life and that was the opposite of what he wanted, thus his disappointment.

"You wanted me to stop you before you killed again."

For a moment the old Stefan I had known resurfaced in his eyes. "I thought you would kill me. Remember all those years ago, during Founders Day, you said that if one drop of innocent bold was spilt you would take us down?"

"I was talking about Damon."

"Primarily but you meant me to. When I was with Klaus, when we left Mystic Falls, I used to hope deep down that I'd turn a corner and there you'd be. You promised and you never came."

I flared with anger at his assumption. "You're blaming me for that?"

"No, not for my actions. I just want to know why you never made good on your threat."

"I was seventeen, I was a kid. At the time I meant what I said but I couldn't follow you. You weren't my responsibility." There had been so much on my plate at the time and I just didn't have the heart to go after him.

"But you're not a child anymore. The only thing stopping you now is the debt magic."

"Then I'll have to repay it, wont I?" I got up, the idea taking root and flourishing within me. I could conduct a simple scenario to save his life and break the bond but I didn't want to waste the opportunity I had. I'm sure magic had been used in the past to help suppress or restrain a vampire's blood lust but had been unsuccessful. I had an advantage, an untapped river of power that could do miraculous things. People were scared of using it — I understand that, the fear of the unknown — but where they failed I would succeed. Unlike them I was wiling to try despite the risks.

Stefan stared at me, seeing my new drive and for a second a flash of unease passed over his face. Like I mentioned before witches are feared for a reason.

* * *

I had two grimoires, one the standard book I had begun as a young witch and the other I started later in life. The second was filled with spells and rituals I had either achieved or thought of using gold magic. It was this book that proved my guilt to my brothers and sisters and the reason I am here.

But I wasn't to know that then. I had heard of 'dark' spell books of course and taught to regard them with fear and disgust. While I agree partially, the magic used while tapping into the gold vein is wild, I wish the subject was not shut down and ignored. Ignorance breeds contempt and fear.

Stefan watched me scribbling with curiosity but he was looking gaunt and shook in the chair he was bound to. So when I offered him my blood he practically began salivating. But he was still cautious.

"Why would you give it to me?"

"It's part of the ritual."

"What ritual?"

"The one that will save your life."

He gazed at me hard and extracted his fangs. I produced my athame and cut my arm — for any witch reading this don't cut the hand; it's a ludicrous place to wound — and offered my blood to him. He didn't bite me but I could not stop gasping when his mouth and tongue latched onto my skin. He swiped his tongue along the cut, licking off all traces of blood like you'd lick gravy off a plate. I took my arm away and he groaned at the loss, panting. I healed the cut with his blood I had drawn, back to him. I felt unsettled by that little exchange and at the time I thought it was just disgust making my heart race and stomach flutter but I know it was more. I'm too old to feel embarrassed by confessing I had been attracted to him, especially when we first met. I was surprised at how my body reacted to him and tried my hardest to hide it from him.

But as you can see from this account he was a very perceptive man.

"What's got you all excited?" He asked as I mixed the ingredients together and placed them into a bowl. I ignored him, focusing on the task at hand. Once I felt I had everything correctly combined I turned to him and explained what I was about to do.

He stared at me in silence for a long moment and then laughed. He didn't believe me, not at first but when it became clear that I was going to do this thing without his say-so he sobered up.

"I can't control myself; I always kill them because I can't make myself stop. If you do this you'll kill me, you won't be saving my life. You know what happens to witches who break a bond?"

"It will work," I told him and sat opposite him. I had the grimoire open on my lap, going over the chant before looking at him fixedly. "No one has done this before so I can't say if this will be painless."

"You can't do this."

"But I can and I will. You were right, I should have done something. I'm doing that now." I leaned forward, staring into his searing eyes. "I'm going to connect your life force to any potential victims. You intend to drain them? Torture them? You'll feel what you inflict and the moment their heart ceases to beat so does yours. They die; you die."

He stiffened eyes boring into mine. He bared his fangs at me and hissed. I closed me eyes and began. Tapping into magic, the normal kind, the user has to force themselves into a calm state of mind, to reach an equilibrium and channel. Using the other kind was like standing in the eye of the biggest, most powerful storm in the world. All around you is a rush of life and death, swirling around each other and you stand in the calm centre, safe but seconds away from being sucked into the maelstrom. To channel such power, to wield it, places you in a state beyond human or the supernatural. You are everything and nothing and you have the power to make everything nothing or vice versa.

I'm dancing around using the word but you feel like a god. Or a goddess in my case. People reading this will call me blasphemous but that is because they do not understand.

My body throbbing with gold I cast the spell on Stefan, almost forgetting to do it because I was so overwhelmed. Once it was done I had to rip myself away from the power, which is the most difficult part, the most painful. Every time I felt like something had been ripped away with it. It was so hard letting go but I knew if I stayed there I would never come back. I was just one person and holding the power for too long would crush me beneath it and sweep me away, like a leaf in the ocean. But it was tempting. I opened my eyes to see a dazed, almost comatose Stefan staring at me in amazement.

"You — you changed. You looked…" he trailed off, shaking his head and then slumped back, unconscious.

I buzzed; I felt like I could float away and I rode high on that feeling, one that would last for days. With an accomplished smile I released his shackles with a snap of my fingers. Time to see the fruit of my labours.

* * *

I transported both of us to an alley at the back of a bar and he slumped against a wall, groggy. But he gradually came to and focused. He stared at me, like a tiger about to pounce on its prey but I am no one's food. He came at me, teeth bared and I sent a spike of pain through his head. He yelped and stumbled back, head in his hands. He growled at me.

"I'm hungry!"

"I know that's why we're here."

He blinked and looked around, spotting the bar sign. He turned back in confusion. "You want me to feed?"

"I need to see if works."

"And if it doesn't?" He came closer, smiling. He was ravenous, his eyes flashing from green to black. I don't think he was even aware.

"I won't let you kill anyone."

"Aww take all the fun out of it." He pouted and then gazed at me thoughtfully. I bristled.

"What?"

"Have you ever seen yourself when you use that magic?" I shook my head and a slow suggestive smile spread over his face. "You screamed and panted and black veins spread over your skin. It looked like you were having an orgasm." He stared at me, his eyes gleaming and I flushed.

"It's…intense."

"Looked like fun. Speaking of which," he looked towards the mouth of the alley where two people walked past, a man and a woman. He raced to them and compelled both of them back down the alley. He told the man to stand against the wall and watch. The gleeful smile on his face dimmed a little at this point and he seemed bothered by something.

I watched with a racing heart as he took the woman in his arms and bit into her neck. He drank quick, gulping it down like a thirsty person and the woman's body began to sag. As she did Stefan's knees buckled and he fell to the ground. He looked up at me, blood dripping down his chin and swayed.

"What's happening to me?"

"How do you feel?"

"Like I'm about to pass out…" He winced and lifted a hand to his throat which was unmarked. He looked at the man who had been forced to watch and then at the woman in his arms. A look of disgust passed over his face and he dropped the woman and stood on shaking legs.

Even though it had been unpleasant to witness I was thrumming with success. I had done it, he was now unable to kill or torment. If he needed blood he would only be able to take what was needed. I tended to the woman, healing her and sent her back to her boyfriend. I made them forget and the blood stains on her clothes would remain a mystery. They were lucky to be alive I told myself, ignoring the fact I had orchestrated the whole thing. Delusional thinking is easier to swallow then the real thing…

Once they had gone he rounded on me, angry. "I didn't want this! I didn't kill all those people, attracting your attention, for this to happen!"

"I thought you would be grateful."

"Grateful? I didn't want to be saved! I wanted you to kill me!"

"I know that is what you wanted but if you're dead you can't pay for what you've done. I could kill you now, like I did with other rippers."

"Then why don't you?"

"Because I just succeeded in curtailing your hunger. It would be counter productive."

He smirked and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Not because of lingering feelings?"

"Feelings?" That fluttering in my belly rose again.

"We were friends once Bonnie."

"I can't afford to be sentimental. I've done this thing for you when I could have handed you over. Take that as you will."

"Will this last?"

"I think so. I know you don't want to be a ripper and now you have a way to control your hunger. Your switch isn't off, you still have a conscience. You wouldn't have this death wish if there wasn't a part of you that regrets."

He snorted and leaned against the wall. "Damon told me that my switch was fried and I think he was right." He looked up at the stars; a sliver of dark sky between the alley walls and sighed. "What now?"

"I don't know about you but there are always more rippers out there."

He cocked his head. "What are you gonna do when you run out of rippers?"

I blinked and couldn't speak. The thought had come to me but I had ignored it in the past. It shows you how far I had drifted into a morally grey area that I was more concerned that the numbers of rippers was falling then rejoicing that fact. All I truly cared about was the power and the means to which I could acquire it.

Stefan saw my worry and came to my side and whispered in my ear. "The world is not divided into vampires and innocents. The world is full of monsters."

He walked back to the barn and I followed him slowly. That was the moment I decided to cast my net wider because he was right. The world is full of monsters and you only have to pick up a history book to see who the biggest one is. Humans commit more atrocities then all supernatural creatures put together. It was some time before I crossed over that line but the decision to do so set the course for the remainder of my life.

* * *

It decided the career I would pick: police officer. I like to think I made a difference, both within the normal course of my job and as a witch. I combined the two, my job leading me to find the most depraved people and bring them to justice. I did not use all of them for my rituals, it would have been suspicious but I was able to capture a few, ones on death row or those who had slipped through the cracks.

Stefan would be by my side for the next thirty years, first as my friend and then as my lover. He said I saved his soul but then had to watch as I lost mine, piece by piece. At first he helped me but then my own hunger drove him away. I was becoming what he was, becoming the things I was hunting. I denied it, I was vicious in my defiance but I couldn't face the truth. My need to hold that power, to tap into it became my life and I did whatever I could to achieve it.

One monster was not enough; I wanted to do the ritual with more, to open myself up to more power. I told myself I could be doing more, saving more lives but at that point I would have performed the ritual with my own mother if it meant I could channel that power (yes I did consider it.)

Deciding who was beyond hope and who could become rehabilitated soon became trivial to me, the morality of it just seemed a barrier, one that was stopping me from experiencing what I wanted. I wanted — I  _needed_  — more and I was prepared to go to any lengths to do it.

Stefan knew what I planned; he read it in my grimoire and tried to stop me. I threatened to break the spell that kept him in control and that was when he left. I was so sure of myself, so sure of him that I never even thought he would betray me and tell the elders. Fool I was.

Why save one person? Two? Channelling that much power I could save an entire ward, a hospital and still be energised enough to keep going. The prospect of wielding so much of it was mind-blowing and I finally reached a stage where I could do it. I would do it but this time I would not let go.

* * *

I know what you're thinking. If witches have all this power at their fingertips why aren't they ruling the world? The reason for that are the ones that try end up dying under the colossal weight of magic. We are called the servants of nature for a reason but I was tired of taking orders from people or spirits. I felt tempered and wanted to be more. And I was but as you know the cost was high and I pay it still.

I picked a high security prison and channelled the power through it. I wanted to save the lives of the sick and dying in a hospital that was near, which was my honest intention. But when I began to channel more and more my every thought was obliterated and I stopped being me. I became one with nature. I was the wind and the trees and stars and light and people and water and air…you get the picture. God — to me at least — exists in everything around us and at that moment I did to. Do not think I am so arrogant or deluded to think myself a god but it is the only language I can use to convey what it was like. I was helpless in the face of such power. I could literally feel myself dispersing into everything around me.

I would have died, broken apart and drifted into oblivion but my magic was blocked before it could happen. Like someone pinching a tube the energy was suddenly gone and I was powerless. But the awful thing is I could still feel it, almost grasp it before bumping into an invisible barrier. Even after all these years it is still the same, the power just out of reach, like Tantalus.

I was in a comatose state for weeks and I was the last to know about what I had done. The magic was so all compassing that I had failed to complete the ritual, I wanted to transfer life energy but I just took it indiscriminately. It was part of the energy I was channelling and I became so embedded in it that I could not tell the difference between the air in someone's lungs and water. It was all the same, life and death.

Stefan died. They all died and my magic was suppressed. For the last hundred years I have been imprisoned here, by the servants of nature. They tried to execute me for what I had done but I am something different now. I am powerless, harmless but indestructible. They give me the luxury of this small open space but I am still a prisoner. You see they are frightened of me. They are the ones who have blocked my magic, like reed wall holding back a raging river. Cracks appear and have to be fixed.

They are scared of the dam bursting and I pity them. I yearn for it to happen but also dread it. Stefan once wished for death because he was scared of the person he had become. I tried to help him and he overcame his nature but no one can fix this. I have no excuse; I have no monstrous nature to tackle with. This is all me and my desire for more. I once said that humanity is the biggest monster and it is true. I saw vampires as the evil that needed to be stamped out or controlled. But witches created them and then we washed our hands and denied the things we had done. We talk of balance and impartiality because we must. Because we can unravel the fabric of reality and that is terrifying.

The wall is weak now and I suspect any day it will crumble. If you are reading this then you know what has happened. I hope I have the strength to make the right decision because no power on this earth is a match against me.

Yours sincerely,

Bonnie B.


End file.
